Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger