Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
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In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
They’re on their honeymoon
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”