It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator