Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
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Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?