(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
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My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3