You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
There is wisdom there.