College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
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Ron is short for Aaronald
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!