#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
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Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”