“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Cats (2019)
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain