If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
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My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.