“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
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Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
My dress code is business-casualty.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.