A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.