A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
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My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
me working on my assignments ^-^
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius