Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.