Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
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what does he know…
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy