Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
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Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
meow
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you