You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
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Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Important
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?