My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
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Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
that lip filler tho
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards