Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
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People buying plungers never look happy.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
This is my favorite one of these!
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.