I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.