My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Yes, but it was never about money
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
me: why does my back hurt
also me: