If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.