Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
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Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
just gave your address to some spiders
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*