I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
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Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine