*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
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My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
🏙👨🏼
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.