“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
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I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
This meeting could have been a cake
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake