i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
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Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Go hard or stay average
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots