my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”