Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
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therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.