WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
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It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
meow
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number