You Might Also Like
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?