You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
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My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
“I’m helping” 😅
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.