Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
You Might Also Like
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
can’t bark with your mouth full
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year