me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
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Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…