The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
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People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
im 7 sauces long
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
secret recipe
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!