5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
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It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.