Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
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When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”