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Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.