[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
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No regrets in 2018
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
describing stardew valley
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.