Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
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After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
The future is now.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.