today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
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I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Thursday Thought.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Ain’t no way
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
#milo
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”