“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
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I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.