I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
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Breaking news:
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner