Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?