“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
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Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore