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There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I really had high hopes for this year though
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes