The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
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Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no