i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
it must be school picture day
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.