Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
These are too funny not to post 😂
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it