Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
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ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down